Peek a boo hoo

‘All the world’s a stage,’ if we are to believe Shakespeare, who admittedly does come across as a pretty knowledgeable sort of a chap. Much to my surprise it seems that Londoners do not agree with his stage direction, or for that matter his belief that people should extend their communications skills beyond grunting. Grunting, as we know, is something that bus drivers can only aspire to.

The city in which celebrities choose to give birth on TV, have their wedding vows printed in magazines and give press interviews on their deathbed apparently has a limit. That limit has come surprisingly in the form of Google’s new Street View service, which has turned the city of London into a stage.

Londoners this week were outraged that Google had jeopardised their privacy by launching a service whereby people at home could observe every street in the capital whilst the locals performed mundane tasks. Channel 4 on the other hand were outraged that Google had managed to turn the entire city into an over crowded version of the Big Brother house, just with better haircuts.

The only mistake that Google really made was not telling Londoners that they were going to be apart of the world’s biggest reality TV show. Had the people of London thought that this was all some kind of audition the only complaint would have been that they had not been featured for long enough, or not at all. Their attempts to make sure that they had their 15 minutes of fame would have given Google and us armchair spectators some far more interesting footage. Which would be a breath of fresh air to workers in the office blocks where Facebook is banned.

If I knew that Google was auditioning Londoners I would walk, rather than run to my garbage bin every morning in my pyjamas in an attempt to impress any talent scouts watching at home. Given I wear pink pyjamas covered in piglets it is unlikely that I would be picked up for any TV work, other than maybe a cameo in The Muppets.

Google could have spiced things up further by promoting the fact that Simon Cowell and his X Factor judges would be trawling the images for his next star/puppet. If they are interested in doing this they should do it before Danni Minogue’s Botox induced facial paralysis spreads to her eyes. The latest photo on her official website would indicate that this is imminent.

Revenue from a public phone vote covering categories such as the worst dressed homeless person, the best vomit and teenage girl most likely to give birth in nine months would have ensured that the service paid for itself. It would also pay for the fleet of security vehicles Google will need to take more of these images in future. Google’s press office (run by Americans I would guess) didn’t think it was an issue to reveal to the knife wielding population of London, that Google had a number of spy cars with cameras on the streets taking these shots. My money is on the next version of Street View only covering a select number of the less dangerous areas, that or Google investing in some really long lenses.

There will be some people who are genuinely worried about their privacy, who would be relived to see the Street View service discontinued. I have in mind the middle-aged couple which I overheard panicking recently on a BA flight coming into Heathrow Terminal 5. The landing video announced that passengers would be filmed on arrival at the new terminal. The woman was in quite a state at the thought of being filmed like a common criminal, until her husband put down the copy of the Daily Mail he was studiously reading and reassured her that only foreigners would be filmed. I wondered at the time what they had to hide (and whether in fact they were the two people on the planet best suited to each other.) I guess we all have something we want to hide, such as the flowers in a vase on my dining room table which look suspiciously like the ones in my neighbour’s flower box. It’s times like this I could really embrace Google’s policy to blur the faces of people caught on camera. Alas the piglet pyjamas would be a give away.

As it stands the things I am most distressed about are: realising that my mother will know I am lying when I say I am keeping my front garden tidy. Also on Street View there appears to be a good looking guy walking past my place and had I been given prior warning of this phenomena I would have placed a bear trap outside my front door.

I do find it interesting though that Google has managed to launch this service in other countries without journalists or would be Daily Mail readers self combusting. Hell, they even launched it in Australia without much fuss. I can only assume this is because Australians were just relived that someone other than Baz Luhrmann had decided to bring an interpretation of Australia to the world.

Most curious of all is why anyone who has spent time on the streets of London would want to use this service in the first place. A friend of mine recently gave me directions to her flat. They went something like this: ‘Come out of the tube, walk past the Cock pub, you’ll run into an army of charity collectors, go past McDonalds, keep going as far as KFC, and then we are the flat above the betting shop.’ If all the world really is a stage then just maybe this is one play that should never be adapted into the movie.